Does Anyone Else Do This?

Evening, nosy bastards.

I could think of many words to realistically describe my current mood as I type. First, allow me to set the scene for this blog post. Yes I am doing one. No I am not consistent. No It probably won't be groundbreaking. Yes it is really funny and probably explains my temperament.

In the dull drone of the afternoon, I found myself at the Give Blood centre. The place I go is a little church that they temporarily fancy up to look like it's welcoming enough for humans who are giving selflessly (I'm not sure I find leaflets and posters about taking God's hand particularly comforting but it's a nice building). Name called, I saunter in and the old lady, who looked like she'd been hitting the shit since the 60s, pulled me into a booth and did the test to see if my Iron/Haem levels were good enough. Although her composure no doubt reflected her years of experience, the placid look on her face soon changed when she asked me why I'd ticked that I was a male donor who'd had unprotected oral or anal sex with another man. Theeeeeen, a whole load of awkward stuff happened and at one point I lay in the middle of the donor room, legs elevated because I felt faint; who knew I solicit sexual favours AND have such unyielding nerves of steel.

Although a good laugh, that put me in a bad mood. I really value giving blood and I hated being told that I couldn't do something selfless with my time.

Which brings me back to describing my mood. It's nice to sum it all up in a realistic word. I don't want to think and worry in circles about things, I just want to reassure myself that I am merely an adjective and that my theatrics will roll over.

Manic. As I type, it's cascading into indifference but for the sake of pessimism we'll stick with manic. It hasn't been a great day guys. It's like the things I worry about are separate pieces of a pie, regulated by wires linking them together in a logical, manageable system. When I get panicky, a pair of malificent hands tangle all the wires and some are hanging out of their sockets and some are put in the wrong order and I'm trying to think about every single worry at once and sort it all out and then the system fails. 

I don't know if this happens to anyone else but to accompany a sour mood, I often like to rise daggers at myself. Why don't you have a car? Why aren't you saving more money? Why haven't you moved out? Why are you writing this shitty blog po....

Spending time on my own can be most therapeutic and quite equally an absolute ballache. Not that I have said appendage.

A warm embrace to fellow worriers out there who are feeling these things too. We all know that it'll end up being okay, and if it's not okay, it most certainly isn't the end.

Holiday offer: half price oral and/or anal packages upon presentation of large latte!

BLAH

Today I found out that I hate change. I like to do new things (however small) every day, to make my life interesting. However, there comes a point when too much change occurs at one moment in time and it ends up in me getting teary eyed and grumpy.

Life isn't static and I am just very aware of this today.

Wallow wallow wallow.

I just ate a whole cold poppadom in defiance.

Pray for me. (haha)

Hello

Having an early mid life crisis and thinking about this side note made me feel nostalgic. So i'm going to type something; probably not of worth to anyone but myself. Don't intend to promote this to social medias or anyone close. Don't intend to check through to edit spellings or layout. I am not doing this for a purpose other than to satisfy an itch.

So here's the news from the press. Not boring life news that depresses other people. I have nothing to envy going on. I hate that...having to hear about other people and their successes. If i'm brutally honest it's a fat cause of stress for me so I am not going to try to use the blog as a throne to glorify myself. But yes...me. I am happy...i think. Know what i mean by that? I am in a lovely, warm fuzzy kind of job which doesn't involve the general fucking public. Being around children does quite the opposite to me, it's enlightening and wonderful. I read a lot at the moment; i'm having an affair with a paper copy of The Girl On The Train by Paula Hawkins (don't tell my kindle). In July i did a 10k run for Cancer Research but have been regularly eating 'out' and so have no life savings and a bigger gut than when i last did a blog. I smile as i write that, body weight makes me whimsical.

Is a person defined by their successes and what they can tell other people they have done? Of course they aren't. I hope rather to take you on a bit of an emotional, philosophical journey here. It's not just for bucket list moments.

Also there's no such thing as a perfect piece of writing. So i won't dwell on what i type. Like i said, i just got itchy.

Will call in soon.

P.S. Ironically i am actually physically very itchy, the pollen count is seriously affecting me!

Projects

Good evening world (or on the contrary, the few people who read what I write). It's verging on 11pm on a cold, windy Sunday in May and my mind is fired with electrifying ideas that more than anything, I want to kick into force. In this present moment I linger between a state of anxiety and excitement; anxious about my job and excited about a conversation I've had with my boyfriend about side projects I want to start. I hope that your minds are in relative harmony tonight. If they aren't, let’s decide to cling onto the more positive thoughts that are wandering around the caves of our minds shall we? Leave the painful, negative ones to fester alone without our company. If you can't do that, then read on and feel comforted that you aren't the only person who holds hands with their demons.

Stress is something I am trying to reduce in my life at the moment. For me it's heightened because of many things, those of which won't simply vanish through a regurgitation of their life histories. So I'm not going to do that. I'll just say that I'm looking for ways to handle pressure and negativity better. I was given techniques to cope with anxiety which I've mentioned in a previous post 'Relax' back in March. These do work but were 'clinically prescribed' and are very general to stress. They don't target individual stresses but work well to calm down physical symptoms. I'm trying to whittle down the anxiety I feel into a smooth spear that I can then use to wound the part of me that enjoys worrying. If I find out anything ground breaking along the way, any tips or techniques, then I'll let you know and we can both take part in a boot camp for people who worry excessively.

The emphasis of this blog is going to be the importance of having variety in life. Variety in daily doings and goings on. That's why I'm trying out new things. Blogging is still new for me. I'm still finding my feet and still tripping over rocks. I've developed this theory that having multiple projects in life can reduce the stress and anxiety that someone feels over a negative aspect of their life. E.g. writing a book and training for a marathon can help reduce the pain that a mind-numbing 9-5 job can cause. I think by splitting your efforts and attention into different shapes and sizes, you can feed off the enjoyment of certain projects and shrug off the shit from the less enjoyable projects. Imagine your job that grinds you down and stresses you out is a heavy, brown growling hound with spit dripping from its enlarged canines and red glowing in its eyes. It's howling at you and prowling around you with menace and anger. THEN let's take your favourite pasttime, so mine could be blogging. My blog is a spirit bear (Google it), standing tall but very still, with kind eyes and a serene demeanor. Which one do you feed? Which one do you neglect? We should not face only the hound, because it runs the risk of becoming the only thing that we focus on and something that causes us only regular pain.

It's the keeping of a busy mind that's the key. New things are also FUN. My weapons of choice here I won't fully disclose, because I want to keep them as my own little projects, but if they become, shall we say, hobbies, then I might tell you.

I hope you are becoming comfortable with the way in which I write and the things that I write about. I want this to be like visiting a friend who you will likely never meet, but who can help you and hopefully make you laugh (sometimes). Take time to focus on the great things you are blessed with in life and don't panic or be sad. Try new things that enrich your existence because life's not permanent.

Helpful Life Hacks

1. Don't make eye contact with anyone that's male, over 40, really muscly, big, or scruffy looking because they WILL attack you

2. Don't let anyone know any details about you, don't tell your doctor, your friends, change your name and move country

3. Don't buy a drink for anyone because you will be imprisoned for attempting to drink spike

4. Never eat anything that has any fat or carbohydrate in it because you'll gain too much weight and everyone will tell you that you look like an elephant

5. Quitting signifies laziness and irresponsibility 

6. Don't get enthusiastic about diet or exercise because you'll become obsessive and develop anorexia

7. Don't follow your dreams as they're pointless and you'll get absolutely nowhere

8. Don't buy candles because you'll develop a sleep disorder and set your house on fire

9. Any friendship with someone of the opposite gender will result in marriage

10. Worry all the time because any bad outcome that you haven't properly played out in your mind will happen in real life

11. Become a vegan and slowly starve to death

12. If you don't travel regularly and let people know about it on social networks then you have a boring, empty personality

13. If you see someone young with kids then the pregnancy wasn't planned and they will be on benefits

14. Save all money you earn as in the future you'll need it to fund emergency medical care and a new house because yours will burn down

15. If you live with your parents past the age of 20 you are overly attached to everything and likely inbred

16. Always believe everything you're told and never have an open mind

Happy Star Wars Day!

Nightmares

I never have nightmares, I only ever dream of good things and I've rarely done that since a year or so ago. A few recurring dreams I had when I was small were of laser tag in underground tunnels that were built under fields and of being able to levitate on the upstairs landing of my house. Weird, just like me. I've had a bit of trouble with anxiety this year and this, twinned with trying to find an enjoyable job upon graduating has resulting in me standing on mountains of stress and worry (no sympathy, it's sadly self-inflicted). I'm slowly climbing down as I finally have a job I enjoy and am coping a bit better with the evils in life.

This past week I've had 3 terrifying nightmares, and this, for me, is very unusual. In the first, I woke within the dream. I stirred in my bed and felt someone watching me. My covers were then thrust over my mouth and a hand went over my throat, so I couldn't breathe. It felt SO real and I remember screaming through the duvet for help. Now this was so terrifying because I could feel the skin of the hands grasping my neck and my nose being smothered, allowing no air in. The second dream was reminiscent of Noah's Ark. The Earth had flooded and it was in an apocalyptic state. The world was gradually drowning under this mass of water and houses were filling up so that people had to flee their homes. I remember searching for a helicopter or a boat to save myself and wondering where I would live once the flood had wiped out the human population. Whilst searching for my family I looked up in the landscape and was face to face with a ridiculously tall tsunami wave of water and that was pretty much it for me and I woke me up. Yesterday's nightmare was absolutely awful and yet I can't remember a thing, which I'm not too upset about (all hail Buddha). I probably had snippets of memory in the morning but by first break at work it had gone.

The only positive of the nightmares was the HUGE, warming relief I felt after I woke up. This especially from the strangling nightmare which made waking up seem blissful. I don’t know if I believe in the meaning of dreams but mine seem appropriate. I've smooshed the verdicts of a lot of different sources into some meaning. Choking and strangulation allegedly mean suppression of emotions you don't want to confront, or having someone keep you from expressing your true self. Tsunamis and flooding reflect being easily overwhelmed by unresolved feelings and an experience of sadness and emotional stress in life.

To all those who make the magical decision to read my blog when I post something new, don't bottle up any feeling before you sleep. I think that's what I'm doing because of these frequent nightmares. Deal with the unorganised, annoying scraps in your head before you rise into a new day because you have, have, have to look after yourself and relieving stress is self-medication. If I can try then so can you. No one wants to wake up every day with a list of exaggerated reasons to hate their life. Enjoy it as best you can cus a meteor/asteroid/earthquake/alien invasion/zombie outbreak could happen at any time.

Relax

I have a question. Are you relaxed? I mean, in your life, do you feel relaxed and free from stress? I am going to go on a hunch and assume that the answer is no. When you live and grow older, the responsibilities you have only really expand. That’s how it’s been for me anyway. The only stress my younger self had to deal with was deciding what I wanted from the ice cream van and now all of a sudden I have to find a bullshit career path and know exactly what I want to do with my life. Thank you very much universe maker but I gratefully decline. I think if life had a difficulty mode, it’d be automatically set to expert and to change it you’d have to fight a hundred bosses, defeat a hundred hordes of zombies and rescue a hundred princesses. That said, I think that making mistakes and encountering obstacles is normal and healthy. Stress comes in many guises. Work, education, family, relationships, children, self-image, health, housework, money, the past, the present and the future. You’re probably able to pluck out a good few of those.

Now I think that the things that make us stressed can also make us happy. I think they can be controlled or changed to become less stressful. That sounds dumb and obvious but I often find myself really upset over things that I know I can control. Instead, I almost always choose to distract myself and go with ignorance. I’ll throw you back to this time last year, when I was stressing over getting my dissertation finished (I became an irritable, miserable Cave Troll). I knew that if I chipped away at it, day by day, i'd get it done but, contrary to my sound logic, I only did it when I wanted to, and was sitting at this same laptop on the night before due date feeling hateful, crying and i'm certain I nearly vomited. I remember feeling dreadful. I learnt my lesson and although I think it’s hard to be pro-active about conquering stress, it's worthwhile. 

Basically, on top of that, I think every Earth-dwelling creature should spend more time relaxing. You are allowed to do it, no matter how busy you are. Life treats humans like droids, like we have unlimited stamina and no emotional response. Knowing the difference in how you feel when you’re stressed and relaxed is really worthwhile acknowledging. Separate work and play. Try taking time out of every day to calm down and relax. Could be relaxing at breakfast before the day starts, on your lunch break, on a drive home or when you’re lying in bed at night. Sounds pointless, maybe boring, but it really isn't. Lie down, sit down, stick on a film, close your eyes and just stop everything (not breathing - counterproductive). I’m a very anxious person and a total stress hoarder and taking time out to actively slow myself down and recognise when I’m relaxed feels great.

I thought I’d mention a few, great techniques that were recommended to me that calm me down. First one, 7-11 breathing. Obvious, yes, I know, but it actually works. If you feel tense, breathe in slowly through your nose for 7 seconds, hold the breath briefly, and then exhale through your mouth for 11 seconds. If you repeat this 5/6 times, or as many times as you need to, you’ll notice that your body slows down because the sympathetic nervous system is stimulated. A bonus to this is you can do it basically anywhere. Another technique is progressive muscular relaxation. This one is odd but fun. It works on the premise that tensing various parts of the body can help you separate and enjoy the feeling of relaxation from that of stress. Sometimes when I’m stressed or nervous I can get an irregular, uncomfortable heartbeat, stiff muscles and my throat can tighten up. Tensing and releasing areas of your body can draw tension away from the problem areas and will, again, slow you down. Give them a go.

I’m not a doctor but I know stress is bad. I also know that relaxation is good. Seeing others stressed makes me stressed so how about you all do me a favour and just relax. ✩

Do What You Love

Dan Sexton is an animator. He is also my boyfriend, my best friend and a real life superhero (undisclosed information, keep it to yourselves). In 2012, he founded a YouTube channel called ‘Crunchlins’ (a word we used to call people we didn't like), on which he makes animated, comedy videos. Here's one of my favourite videos, one for the Minecrafters.

I have been with Dan since the first day he began animating, right back to his first video, which was born from hours of work on Paint. In case you weren’t aware, animation is the art of creating constant movement by changing a still image, ever so slightly, a lot of times, to simulate motion. In Dan’s case, these images tend to be those from his favourite video games or original characters that have spawned from his abyss like mind. I started this blog because I wanted something that I could invest effort and creativity in; after university, as I've explained in a previous post, I was left feeling lost. The most frustrating thing was how little focus I had. I'm not a hugely creative person, so I wanted something that had no rules, was free and expressive. From being in this grey zone and witnessing the enjoyment Dan got out of animating, I started to consider how fulfilling it could be to have a personal project to throw myself into. Ergo, welcome to my blog.

You may or may not already know about Crunchlins. If you’re reading this, you may be one of my Facebook or Twitter ‘friends’ who has fallen victim to my furious spamming of news feeds with this unexplained, made-up word (I feel no guilt). Maybe you’re a subscriber, someone Dan has worked with or a close friend. I’m aware it can be hard to read about a topic you have little or no affiliation with, so thank you for getting this far and I hope you enjoy. Both Crunchlins and SarAndBackAgain are places that are open to curious trespassers.

A few days ago, Dan handed in his notice to his daytime job of five years to focus on animation, a move that I'm sure you'll agree takes a certain amount of courage. Although he will be passing into a zone that isn't quite the security he’s used to, he will be in complete control of his career and there is no concern in my mind about his decision because of his relentless drive to succeed. His list of achievements is continually growing. Although he’s working ridiculously hard, I can tell he’s elated and loves what he does. I don’t mean it lightly when I say that I’m proud of him. Isn't it everyone's dream to find a job they love? If Dan was a superhero, I think his superpower would be having the courage to do what he loves and inspiring others to do the same; he has certainly inspired me. The moral of this story is to have the courage to do what makes you happy. This could mean changing your attitude to your existing job, quitting a job you feel nothing but hate for, or taking time to explore a new, more enjoyable career path.  I thought it would be nice to 'interview' Dan so he could tell you a bit more about what he does, to give you some tips if you feel like trying it yourself, and to show you that being brave can reap the rewards.

Why did you choose animation?

"Growing up I always wanted to be a cartoonist, more for comics and I pretty much drew all the time. A friend of mine in school who did some animation got me interested and then I started to do it just for fun, to show my friends."

Any tips for budding animators?

"There is a free 30 day trial of Adobe Flash CS6, that’s the programme I use to animate, so it’s worth getting the trial before you buy the full version, because it’s a daunting programme if you’re new to it. Take your time with animation, you won’t get a cartoon out every day, the production time is a lot longer than many realise. Refine your skills. I like to design my characters on paper first, then practice them, that way you become familiar with them and you can get them onto a computer fast. I recommend starting with a Wacom Bamboo graphics tablet, which is the most basic model and costs around 50 pounds."

What are the hardest parts of the job and have you ever doubted yourself?

"The feedback. I've done animations that have been seen by people who aren't my subscribers and sometimes they can be negative and narrow minded. It used have an effect on me and would demotivate me but you get the positive feedback too, which is so helpful, especially if it’s constructive. The worst comments I've ever been given are ‘Why would somebody even make an animation out of this crap’ which was great as you can imagine, and ‘This video gave me aids’, which I actually found hilarious because the implication was bad, but the person writing it was clearly an absolute dick monkey. Those people are always the ones who come out at the bottom. I only doubt myself when feedback is irrelevant and harsh, but you have to remember that there’s an audience for everything. I love animating so much and there is a genuine market for people who do it, so the doubt never stops me."

What do you love the most about being an animator?

"I love putting out new animations because it’s so satisfying to see it all together, you built it up from scratch, make something non-existent full of sound and colour. I love doing the arty side, so character design, especially recreating my own version of old characters I love. I really enjoy writing with friends, we voice together and the improvisations always make me laugh."

What advice would you give to anyone who wants to become self-employed?

"If you have a passion, keep doing it, don’t be held back by anyone, push your way forward. If it’s something that you can take or leave, maybe you don’t want to actually do it. For me, when I started animating it was the only thing on my mind, so it was easy to work out that I wanted to do it. Focus on the dreams you want to bring into your income and try and find a way that you can achieve them. Discipline yourself. You can’t just say, “I like playing football so I’ll play it in my garden for a few days and then I’ll be pro”, you've got to put in the work and take on board improvements and what people say, especially from others in the industry (note, being told what you’re doing is ‘gay’ is not constructive material for improvement). A year and a half ago, my first animation was two stick figures and since then I've developed my characters so much."

What are your hopes for the future?

"I’m hoping to expand my YouTube channel. I have a new production schedule which is the beginning of that. I’ll have new cartoons up every other Friday. I will continue to make shorts and sketch shows, maybe one day see my cartoons in between shows on TV, it’d be cool to be part of something big, maybe a TV series like Adventure Time or a childhood cartoon brought back."

Are you actually a superhero?

"I need to speak to my lawyer."

You’ll find his animations at http://youtube.com/Crunchlins, have a look, laugh, enjoy and if you’re feeling particularly neighbourly, share some love. Other than the questions I've asked him, he has no idea about the content of this blog post. I love being sneaky. To Dan, this is a big thank you for all the support you give me and keep up the good work. To my readers, I hope you are doing something in life that makes you happy. 

Life After University

I graduated from university in July of 2013 and as it’s now a good half a year past that time, I thought it might be helpful to others to share my story of life after university. How I thought life would be and how it turned out. It’s also a little nostalgia/reflection for me too. This is my personal experience and won’t be yours, unless you are me from a parallel universe, mimicking my life, which if you are, come and find me so we can expand the list of twin super heroes.I studied Biology at university. I absolutely adored doing my degree and came out the other end with a really good result. You’re welcomed into a place full of (mostly) like-minded people, where you grow confidence, get to sculpt yourself into your best version, with little responsibility, a bank of government money and high hopes for the future. That’s how I saw it anyway and on graduation day I felt elated.

How did I expect to feel after university? I hoped to have made new friends, experience cool things and that I’d have a clear idea of what type of career I’d jump into, obvious things, two of which I did do, however, I am not a marine biologist or a clinical molecular geneticist, so something went a little bit wrong along the way. Whoops.

So what I actually experienced after leaving university was a very horrible, very real feeling of being lost. I had no clue what I wanted to do or be or achieve - “You should have prepared more, you had three years”. Throughout studying I saw careers advisers, spoke to my friends, family, lecturers and scoured the depths of the internet for inspiration. Nothing captured my heart or mind. Since July, I’ve been in and out of jobs, which some, though albeit, were related to my degree, I took because I needed the money. I can't do something if I don’t enjoy it and because of this, it has been a very hard year for me. I’ve gone from feeling absolutely fantastic to feeling low and anxious, and then right back to fantastic; so expect a colour wheel of feelings after university.

Although I sound miserable, the past half a year hasn’t all been a hopeless horror story, maybe more like The Shining where the mother and child escape at the end, all the better off for the psychopathic father’s death. Half a year is a long time to find out more about yourself. I didn’t know who I was when I was at university; I hadn’t had the time to work out what was best for me. Since university, I’ve found happiness in being kind to others, focused on my physical and mental health, found myself in weird, outstanding situations, discovered the things that I enjoy doing and identified the strongest parts of myself. Through experiencing different fields, I know the jobs that I don’t want to do and this is very valuable.

I am now employed in a new job and have a lot of different, little life projects pending, which is very exciting. I will never regret going to university and the best advice I can give to anyone, however obvious it sounds, is to really think about what you want to do for a career, before and during your studies. If it doesn't go to plan, don’t worry, because if you are like me, you’ll probably never know what you want to do and that curse will give you valuable opportunity to explore life and your abilities (plus you get to be a lovable fuck-up). Though finding a pathway in life is important, so is happiness, and the latter makes the former a lot more easier to achieve.