Someone Touched My Wobbly Bits

Before the heartfelt sympathy starts pouring in, no, I have not been physically assaulted. I know I've had a few run ins with the police force recently, but this is a nice thing.

I want to talk about a spa treatment, bought for me by my generous older (though questionably not wiser) sister Lucy. She treated to a magical full body massage (The Comforter? Treatment) at LUSH Spa Kingston. I use the adjective magical quite literally, as there were bubbles in the little, darkened room and music from Willy Wonka playing. It felt like I was in a mini, pleasantly scented spaceship.

First of all I must credit LUSH as a company on how the entire day was delivered. I am not a self conscious person, but I did have my realistic reserves about how the treatment would take place. How naked is full body? Will I cope with someone seeing my wobbly bits? Shit, I need to shave my legs/wear suitable underwear...ETC. Don't laugh. We all have our moments. OH HOW WRONG I WAS.

On arrival we were sat down and we had a cute chat with our therapists. We were offered a drink & shown to our massage rooms. The spa area itself was like someone's living room who has incredible talent with home design; beautiful colours, smells and ambience. We were told exactly what would happen and what products would be used where. When we'd stripped down to the bare minimum and had snuggled into a heated duvet spa bed, we rang a little bell so the therapist would know to begin. Through this whole process, Aquarium by Arthur Fiedler was playing which made my mind feel gooey. If you aren't familiar with this piece of music, educate yourself...you won't be disappointed.

The treatment itself was a hot chocolate exfoliating body scrub and a rose scented medium pressure massage of the arms, legs, chest and back. It was bewitching. When she hit my lower back...good god. My skin still feels soft and healthy and the whole day made for a fantastic memory.

Word of the day: SATISFIED. I would recommend the LUSH Spa to any human being I know. It is no gimmick; just blissful. I am over analytical and anxious by default, so trust me.

My treatment is priced at £75. If you're looking to REALLY treat a best friend or family member to a day of infinite indulgence, I would whole heartedly get on this website and splash zee cash; https://www.lush.co.uk/products/treatments-0

Thank you for listening to my selfish post! :) and I know there's not many pictures on my blog to accompany the words, but we're all adults and to be honest you should know how to enjoy a wonderful chunk of writing by now.

Yo

Hi everyone.

I fully intend on continuing my blog. I'm aware I haven't done it in a couple of years, or what feels like that anyway, but this is my vibe, and I am going to be irregular with my input, cus I can (and because I forget to blog and am a sloth reincarnated). So I won't excuse myself for those reasons again (I'm too English with manners).

In absence of writing, I've taken to reading, believe it or not. I bought a Kindle Paperwhite and it's spurred me on to spend time enjoying books rather than Facebook and Twitter. So far i've read Doctor Sleep by Stephen King and am part way through The Shock Of The Fall by Nathan Filer. Doctor Sleep is the sequel to The Shining and focuses on Danny Torrance, the little boy who got away from the psychotic dad in The Overlook Hotel. It was excellent as expected from a man of his calibre. The Shock Of The Fall is kind of depressing and deals with death and mental illness. I haven't fully taken to reading it for long periods of time, but i'm hoping it will develop into something more warm and enjoyable. BUY A KINDLE GUYS. They're awesome and have a beastly battery lives. Plus an e-book is a fraction of the price of a paperback.

ANYWAY. Quick reminder; don't be a dick or say dick things to anyone in your lives, work or play.

xxx

A Healthier Lifestyle

Hello woman and men of the world.

Yesterday I looked at myself, as a whole, not purely on a physical basis. Now, me? I like me a lot and think that everyone should love themselves. Even though we can all get lost in clouds of self pity and put downs, I am a believer in the mantra of self love; the body is a temple etc etc. However, one thing I have been neglectful of as of recent, is my health and fitness. 

I have a very random, unorganised approach to keeping healthy. I go through bouts of awesome motivated fitness where I'm feeling wonderful and putting all the good stuff in and bouts of terrible eating with no physical activity whatsoever where I might as well be a sleeping elephant. Both can last months and for the past month or so I've been a big, big pig (most likely due to cake, crisps, fast food and the enjoyment I get from sitting down...). All those things are great in moderation but apparently I've never heard of that word before. I weigh more than I have in over 3 years, which doesn't bother me, but I know I'll feel happier if I look after myself more than I have been doing. 

So, boys and girls, I woke up today and told myself to get back on looking after my body. It's MY body and I am the only one responsible for how HEALTHY it is. I am not bothered about looking slim, I just want to respect my body, give it muscle again and enhance my mental well-being by changing my lifestyle. This afternoon I bought some awesome, new Reebok running trainers which feel like marsh-mellows and went to the gym and I feel great.

The plan is to drop fat, gain muscle, drink more water and eat PROPERLY. Maybe I will do some health and fitness themed blog posts? I know anything posted on the internet regarding 'getting fit' can be super annoying/intimidating/disheartening to those who either aren't interested in health and fitness or who want to make a change but have yet to do so, but I think it'll be fun to share some tips and techniques that work for me, with you. 

So for now, I love you, and for later, I love you just as much, if more. Have a lovely weekend.

Collectormania

Welcome to Monday the 19^th of May. It was my birthday last week so sorry for not blogging; I was preoccupied eating cake. More specifically, this cake.

A lovely friend at work made me this cake and I've never been so moved by such a sentimental gesture. I did a blog post in April titled 'My Favourite Disney Characters' and she made me this rainbow layer cake with the exact characters I mentioned in that blog in edible icing paper - can you see Elsa?

I had a wonderful 22^nd, one which reinstated to me that I have SO many things to be thankful for…good health, a worthwhile job, beautiful family, the most amazing friends and a boyfriend who does genuinely treat me like a princess. Hip hoorah. There's nothing like a celebration to warm up your mood.

Now…prepare yourself for some nerd porn. Over the weekend I went to Collectormania, a comic-merchandise-celebrity convention at The Stadium: MK in Milton Keynes. This event is like a small celebration of people who enjoy comic books, Disney, Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who, Game of Thrones...the list goes on. It's just FUN and I was in my element (If the element is NERDIUM). Sarah Parkinson, making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.

Now, I LOVE seeing people express who they are and if that means a middle aged man very seriously dressing up as wonder woman then I 100% back that shit. How awesome. One aspect of these kinds of events that I thrive off is the Cosplay. Seeing the effort people make to sew and paint a costume is slightly inspiring, the tweaks and personal touches blow my mind a bit. Walking around I couldn't help but awkwardly ask for a photo of some of the more impressive ones.

Alien from Alien vs Predator. This guy was so creepy, the tail even moved on its own. Let's just say I wasn't planning on being his best mate.

But somehow it happened anyway!

Darth Vader and Ezio.

Me and my pal Chewbacca, I tried to get Han's number but apparently he was really busy doing maintenance on the Millennium Falcon...

Captain Jack Sparrow. This photo was a bit of a buy one get one free cus there's a mini Elsa from Frozen in the background! ADORABLE.

My best friend Jordan met his all time hero Boba Fett! Been there, done that and note his t-shirt.

Wall-E props. The small one is so cute.

Chewie got tired of all the frantic human presence and took a break. I adore this photo so much.

"Do or do not, there is no try"

I was and still am amazed by this Tardis inspired hand-made dress; there's even detailing at the front of the dress of what's inside the police box. Very cool.

Me and Dan hanging out with Storm Troopers and looking far too happy about it.

Black Cat and The Phoenix!

BANE!!! This chap was HUGE."That's a lovely, lovely voice"

SARAH vs BANE

My favourite Doctor Who cosplay of the event.

Some awesome Doctor Who costumes.

Kenny Baker, the guy who played R2-D2 was at the event, and so were the droids!

Slightly overweight but fantastic Deadpool.

So yes, if you haven't been I recommend it a LOT. They always manage to pick up some magical guests and this time they had Pippin from Lord of The Rings, some Game of Thrones characters and Gus from Breaking Bad. Woo! Although some of the people who go are socially unacceptable, very weird and musty smelling, the loot you can get your hands on is seriously cool. Please see below what I have been enjoying my tea and coffee in since the weekend. I am now of the house Targaryen.

I LOVE YOU. REMEMBER TO BREATHE AND LET GO OF YOUR WORRIES.

'Noah'

The wind was fierce and icy and as it hit his face he felt grateful for the scarf wrapped tightly around his neck. It was winter, and it was silent. Noah finished work and had been waiting at the bus stop for over an hour. Frustration built as his phone had died and contact with his personal world had been cut off; this didn't both him as he'd never been fond of technology.

                He was alone, planted on a plastic seat. His shoes scratched the shiny ground, laced with glitter specks of ice. Noah had a twitch which affected him in social situations that brought out his anxiety. He thought it most strange that his foot was tapping so excessively upon the floor in such a lonely scene. The street remained still with no human presence. The only human element was Noah himself, and a cigarette butt, lipstick-stained and soggy, that lay next to his feet. Since the last time he'd checked his watch, time had elapsed a mere five minutes. Where was his bus?

                When he could take no more he began to walk. To walk from the bus stop down the fairly straight main road meant a long, albeit familiar journey to his apartment, wherein he'd planned to sink into an evening of fine cheeses and World of Warcraft. Noah had been waiting at the same bus stop for years and to date it remained his required platform; except now he was 30 and had the pleasure of resenting a grown up job. His father had dropped him there as a boy of 11, with a packed lunch in a tousled, brown bag and a kiss on the forehead, and picked him up with the same warmth and care. To get home from the stop his father would repeat two simple steps to Noah - 'Follow your nose and take a left by the owl'. Many miles from the bus stop, there was a small house on the corner of the stretched road, and a pleasant lady who lived there had crafted a beautiful, oak owl, whose talons were still fixed to the highest tree branch outside of her home. Noah lived further down the road of the owl and so upon its sighting, even with his fathers comforting presence beside him, he knew he was on track.

                Take a left by the owl. Noah had been travelling straight for half an hour and finally began to make out the silhouette of his tree bound friend. He smiled. His hands were tucked in his pockets as he reached the bend in the road and turned. Noah did not expect to see what he saw, sprawled on the ground at foot height, on that silent, winter evening. He was no longer alone.

This was just a bit of fun guys. I was a bit bored so decided to start typing and see where it got me. Scared myself with the concepts of what this Noah chap might have seen. I love you all!

Projects

Good evening world (or on the contrary, the few people who read what I write). It's verging on 11pm on a cold, windy Sunday in May and my mind is fired with electrifying ideas that more than anything, I want to kick into force. In this present moment I linger between a state of anxiety and excitement; anxious about my job and excited about a conversation I've had with my boyfriend about side projects I want to start. I hope that your minds are in relative harmony tonight. If they aren't, let’s decide to cling onto the more positive thoughts that are wandering around the caves of our minds shall we? Leave the painful, negative ones to fester alone without our company. If you can't do that, then read on and feel comforted that you aren't the only person who holds hands with their demons.

Stress is something I am trying to reduce in my life at the moment. For me it's heightened because of many things, those of which won't simply vanish through a regurgitation of their life histories. So I'm not going to do that. I'll just say that I'm looking for ways to handle pressure and negativity better. I was given techniques to cope with anxiety which I've mentioned in a previous post 'Relax' back in March. These do work but were 'clinically prescribed' and are very general to stress. They don't target individual stresses but work well to calm down physical symptoms. I'm trying to whittle down the anxiety I feel into a smooth spear that I can then use to wound the part of me that enjoys worrying. If I find out anything ground breaking along the way, any tips or techniques, then I'll let you know and we can both take part in a boot camp for people who worry excessively.

The emphasis of this blog is going to be the importance of having variety in life. Variety in daily doings and goings on. That's why I'm trying out new things. Blogging is still new for me. I'm still finding my feet and still tripping over rocks. I've developed this theory that having multiple projects in life can reduce the stress and anxiety that someone feels over a negative aspect of their life. E.g. writing a book and training for a marathon can help reduce the pain that a mind-numbing 9-5 job can cause. I think by splitting your efforts and attention into different shapes and sizes, you can feed off the enjoyment of certain projects and shrug off the shit from the less enjoyable projects. Imagine your job that grinds you down and stresses you out is a heavy, brown growling hound with spit dripping from its enlarged canines and red glowing in its eyes. It's howling at you and prowling around you with menace and anger. THEN let's take your favourite pasttime, so mine could be blogging. My blog is a spirit bear (Google it), standing tall but very still, with kind eyes and a serene demeanor. Which one do you feed? Which one do you neglect? We should not face only the hound, because it runs the risk of becoming the only thing that we focus on and something that causes us only regular pain.

It's the keeping of a busy mind that's the key. New things are also FUN. My weapons of choice here I won't fully disclose, because I want to keep them as my own little projects, but if they become, shall we say, hobbies, then I might tell you.

I hope you are becoming comfortable with the way in which I write and the things that I write about. I want this to be like visiting a friend who you will likely never meet, but who can help you and hopefully make you laugh (sometimes). Take time to focus on the great things you are blessed with in life and don't panic or be sad. Try new things that enrich your existence because life's not permanent.

Helpful Life Hacks

1. Don't make eye contact with anyone that's male, over 40, really muscly, big, or scruffy looking because they WILL attack you

2. Don't let anyone know any details about you, don't tell your doctor, your friends, change your name and move country

3. Don't buy a drink for anyone because you will be imprisoned for attempting to drink spike

4. Never eat anything that has any fat or carbohydrate in it because you'll gain too much weight and everyone will tell you that you look like an elephant

5. Quitting signifies laziness and irresponsibility 

6. Don't get enthusiastic about diet or exercise because you'll become obsessive and develop anorexia

7. Don't follow your dreams as they're pointless and you'll get absolutely nowhere

8. Don't buy candles because you'll develop a sleep disorder and set your house on fire

9. Any friendship with someone of the opposite gender will result in marriage

10. Worry all the time because any bad outcome that you haven't properly played out in your mind will happen in real life

11. Become a vegan and slowly starve to death

12. If you don't travel regularly and let people know about it on social networks then you have a boring, empty personality

13. If you see someone young with kids then the pregnancy wasn't planned and they will be on benefits

14. Save all money you earn as in the future you'll need it to fund emergency medical care and a new house because yours will burn down

15. If you live with your parents past the age of 20 you are overly attached to everything and likely inbred

16. Always believe everything you're told and never have an open mind

Happy Star Wars Day!

Dinosaurs

You open your eyes to tall trees, vines and streams that lead deep into a rich, wild green world. You hear the high pitched wail of unknown creatures. You are now entering the Jurassic period. 231 million years ago dinosaurs roamed over all continents and now they're in the classrooms of the school I work at (SO awesome). The past 3 days I've been helping to recreate some of these extinct beasts.

When I found out that dinosaurs were the topic we'd be covering I was so happy because well, what a compelling thing for children to learn about. I'd have painted my enthusiasm all over the topic back in my primary school years. To mark the occasion, I've been wearing my silver Velociraptor earrings; what better opportunity to have miniature dinosaurs hanging from your ears.The best thing about talking to children about dinosaurs is that they can't quite grasp that humans and dinosaurs didn't coexist and that any pictures of dinosaurs in books are not real photographs and I find that adorable. That and they just make up names of dinosaurs by adding absolutely anything to 'aurus'. I've had an absolutely brilliant 3 days working with the children and an enormously talented sculptor Philip Cox who has helped us to sculpt three, amazing beasts out of cardboard. Credit where credit's due, Philip's work is just incredible. He's got so much character, took time to get to know everyone and was so co-operative and friendly, with some funny stories from his career in cardboard. A really lovely chap. See his work here: http://www.philipcox.info/.

We made three dinosaurs of the genera Stegosaurus, Diplodocus and Triceratops. It was just fun and great to be able to do something practical. It has inspired me to get in touch with my creative side far more and I hope it does the same to you.

Stegosaurus

Diplodocus

Triceratops

Nightmares

I never have nightmares, I only ever dream of good things and I've rarely done that since a year or so ago. A few recurring dreams I had when I was small were of laser tag in underground tunnels that were built under fields and of being able to levitate on the upstairs landing of my house. Weird, just like me. I've had a bit of trouble with anxiety this year and this, twinned with trying to find an enjoyable job upon graduating has resulting in me standing on mountains of stress and worry (no sympathy, it's sadly self-inflicted). I'm slowly climbing down as I finally have a job I enjoy and am coping a bit better with the evils in life.

This past week I've had 3 terrifying nightmares, and this, for me, is very unusual. In the first, I woke within the dream. I stirred in my bed and felt someone watching me. My covers were then thrust over my mouth and a hand went over my throat, so I couldn't breathe. It felt SO real and I remember screaming through the duvet for help. Now this was so terrifying because I could feel the skin of the hands grasping my neck and my nose being smothered, allowing no air in. The second dream was reminiscent of Noah's Ark. The Earth had flooded and it was in an apocalyptic state. The world was gradually drowning under this mass of water and houses were filling up so that people had to flee their homes. I remember searching for a helicopter or a boat to save myself and wondering where I would live once the flood had wiped out the human population. Whilst searching for my family I looked up in the landscape and was face to face with a ridiculously tall tsunami wave of water and that was pretty much it for me and I woke me up. Yesterday's nightmare was absolutely awful and yet I can't remember a thing, which I'm not too upset about (all hail Buddha). I probably had snippets of memory in the morning but by first break at work it had gone.

The only positive of the nightmares was the HUGE, warming relief I felt after I woke up. This especially from the strangling nightmare which made waking up seem blissful. I don’t know if I believe in the meaning of dreams but mine seem appropriate. I've smooshed the verdicts of a lot of different sources into some meaning. Choking and strangulation allegedly mean suppression of emotions you don't want to confront, or having someone keep you from expressing your true self. Tsunamis and flooding reflect being easily overwhelmed by unresolved feelings and an experience of sadness and emotional stress in life.

To all those who make the magical decision to read my blog when I post something new, don't bottle up any feeling before you sleep. I think that's what I'm doing because of these frequent nightmares. Deal with the unorganised, annoying scraps in your head before you rise into a new day because you have, have, have to look after yourself and relieving stress is self-medication. If I can try then so can you. No one wants to wake up every day with a list of exaggerated reasons to hate their life. Enjoy it as best you can cus a meteor/asteroid/earthquake/alien invasion/zombie outbreak could happen at any time.

Nostalgia

I was born on May 15^th 1992 in Northampton General Hospital, but I’m told by my mum that I nearly came out in the taxi. She said it was a far nicer birth than that of my older sister Lucy (surprise surprise). It seems I rolled out like a little ninja, eager to explore the world and traumatise my loving parents. I love looking at baby photos, any baby, any photo, so I thought it’d be fun to show you all how I looked when I was a lot smaller than I am now. I’d also like to think that this is a sort of 90’s look book for budding fashion students and lovers of trends. So join me, and we’ll fly back in time in my time machine, back to the early 90's, where mullets and neon prints were acceptable things.

To start you off, here's me pouting whilst being held by my nan. Sporting a simple mint onesie and a tousled, back combed hairstyle. I love the difference in the sizes of our hands.

My absolutely beautiful mum giving me a hug which seems to have startled me a bit. I love my mums sparkling eyes and my pig face.

Me looking newborn with my nan Esme. I'm eating my clothes and she's looking radiant.

Me eating my dinner paying my respects to urban culture (proof that I've always posessed swag). Neon jumper and leggings combo with mustard collar and sleeves, a really classic outfit.

Looking like a boy, a mini Wayne Rooney? With my nan and dad. Sporting the neon mustard jumper again, must have been a favourite.

I've always been greedy so this picture made me laugh - it's so true to form for me to be eating crisps and sitting down (wouldn't want to overdo it). I'm donning a red, checkered flat cap and rainbow shorts. Someone contact Britain's Next Top Model.

Mother and daughter. A reminder that creating your own trends can actually work out - I pioneered the straw hat movement in the 90's.

I LOVE this photograph. Some great fashion from both me and mum. She's rocking a mushroom cut and I'm bringing out the side fringe. I do like my pink outfit here.

I think we'd been playing or fighting or i'd been crying because I look like a gnome who has been sprayed with water. My hand clutching Lucy's knee and her hand around me makes me smile so much, we've always been best friends.

My hobo, reggae phase. Sexy, pink top and neon joggers. My hat here brings me so much joy, it looks homemade with pom poms.

Me and Lucy playing at the park. She's apparently going commando and is wearing an awesome Thunderbirds t-shirt, with white sandals and sun-hat. I'm doing something floral which is much more like Lucy nowadays.

THE BEST PHOTO OF LUCY I HAVE EVER SEEN. Her t-shirt says 'Sun, sea' and i'm guessing 'sand'. She has gone for a Minnie Mouse hat and red love heart sunglasses. I could eat her.

Sisters starting a career in construction and building management. Lucy taking control of the situation as per usual. 

Oneof my nude modelling photos with two Mr Blobby props. I love how cheeky I am here with my tongue out, maybe i've been caught pooping in the bath, I am told I did that quite often. 

In my pink sports shorts. Don't bother taking a clutch bag when you go out, a packet of Wotsits works much better.

I LOVE this one. A really disgusting pastel, floral two piece with rosy cheeks. 

Me kicking up a fuss and crying, nothing has changed. Love mums GREEN jeans (lord).

 We were both crying because we were being chased by geese. Again, this makes me smile, look at Lucy cradling my head. She's doing her protective sister role in a lovely, little, blue jumper. 

Last but not least, here's something happy, me having a laugh with my mum. She always tickled me when I was small, under my arms! Block fringe era.

I would apologise that this has been photo heavy but I am not going to because I think they are lovely photos and they make me happy and give me magical nostalgia. I was blessed to enter  the world to a loving big sister and two wonderful parents. From a blonde-haired, blue-eyed child to a brown-haired, green-eyed 'woman', nearly 22 years later and I still love crisps and cry all the time.

Happy bank holiday everyone, I love you so much for being here. To those who have personally reached out to me about my blog over the last week, I love you even more.

My Favourite Disney Characters

Hello and welcome to me enjoying Easter half term. Two and a half weeks off of work means I can become a human again who enjoys doing things. So yes, hello. First of all, if you’re reading this and you’re in a bad mood please leave and never come back and keep going until you meet someone Australian. This is no place for you. I hereby present you with a very happy topic. I have a growing, chronological collection of 42 Disney films, encompassing both Disney originals and Disney Pixar (from the pioneering Snow White, to the beautiful Frozen). Growing up, we used videos, not DVDs and I think that’s why I love Disney so much, because it’s rooted very deeply in my childhood. I struggle to watch Cinderella and The Lion King because of the nostalgia; Walt just clicks his fingers and I’m drowning in my own tears (slight exaggeration). A while back I decided that I would start collecting Disney films as a present to any future children I am blessed with, so that one day I can offer their minds small, mini bombs of Walt Disney wonder. I can imagine small feet, running to find a Disney to suit the mood of the day (how adorable). If my future children dislike Disney, well, I’ll just trade them in for some new ones. I like being happy and the stories, characters and themes in Disney films, make me very, very happy. It’s like escaping into a restricted, positive zone where imagination rules over the land and Walt’s sitting on the throne. I thought it’d be fun to share a selection of my favourite Disney characters with you, so, here goes.

1. Anna (Frozen)

She is SO likeable. A Disney princess that isn't just physically flawless with empty insides. I don't know what I like more, how awkward and lovable she is, or how selfless and fearless she is when looking out for her family. I find her situation very relatable. I am the younger of two sisters and so is Anna and my sister felt it appropriate to remind me that I too used to annoy her when I wanted to play (I have yet to discover if my sister can manipulate an element). Many Disney women are unrelatable because their behaviour is unrealistic. That or they make you want to be them which just turns most into a jealous mess. I just want Anna as my best friend.

2. Ursula (The Little Mermaid)

I know she's evil but she loves herself and you can't help but love that about her. She's equally repulsive and vivacious. The way she relentlessly claims to want to help other sea folk for nothing, when really she just wants absolutely everything to herself, is weirdly enjoyable because she knows she's lying. She doesn't give a single fuck about anything and slithers around throwing sass in a revealing little black dress despite being worryingly obese and I admire that confidence. Let's just say I'd love to sit with her over a coffee, embracing curves and sharing hate.

3. Jiminy Cricket (Pinocchio)

He is so sweet. I basically love him because of the extent of his loyalty. He's level headed and will do absolutely anything for Pinocchio, showing a braveness that doesn't falter, even in life threatening situations. If you take it down to basics, he is literally just a tiny cricket with clothes but the effort he puts in and the size of his heart are very big indeed.

4. Aladdin (Aladdin)

If I lived in Agrabah, I'd probably be pining over Aladdin. Let's be honest, he's exquisite. He is an orphan who grew up with nothing, so as a result appreciates the value of everything, helping out others in even more dreadful conditions that himself and I find that very attractive. The best thing about Aladdin is how fun and charming he is. Yes he makes awkward mistakes and yes can be an occasional dick when he compulsively lies to women, but he would take you on THE best dates.

5. Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty)

She turns into a fucking dragon. There is nothing more to say here.

(Me in Disneyland Paris on my 21st birthday with one of my best friends) 

Relax

I have a question. Are you relaxed? I mean, in your life, do you feel relaxed and free from stress? I am going to go on a hunch and assume that the answer is no. When you live and grow older, the responsibilities you have only really expand. That’s how it’s been for me anyway. The only stress my younger self had to deal with was deciding what I wanted from the ice cream van and now all of a sudden I have to find a bullshit career path and know exactly what I want to do with my life. Thank you very much universe maker but I gratefully decline. I think if life had a difficulty mode, it’d be automatically set to expert and to change it you’d have to fight a hundred bosses, defeat a hundred hordes of zombies and rescue a hundred princesses. That said, I think that making mistakes and encountering obstacles is normal and healthy. Stress comes in many guises. Work, education, family, relationships, children, self-image, health, housework, money, the past, the present and the future. You’re probably able to pluck out a good few of those.

Now I think that the things that make us stressed can also make us happy. I think they can be controlled or changed to become less stressful. That sounds dumb and obvious but I often find myself really upset over things that I know I can control. Instead, I almost always choose to distract myself and go with ignorance. I’ll throw you back to this time last year, when I was stressing over getting my dissertation finished (I became an irritable, miserable Cave Troll). I knew that if I chipped away at it, day by day, i'd get it done but, contrary to my sound logic, I only did it when I wanted to, and was sitting at this same laptop on the night before due date feeling hateful, crying and i'm certain I nearly vomited. I remember feeling dreadful. I learnt my lesson and although I think it’s hard to be pro-active about conquering stress, it's worthwhile. 

Basically, on top of that, I think every Earth-dwelling creature should spend more time relaxing. You are allowed to do it, no matter how busy you are. Life treats humans like droids, like we have unlimited stamina and no emotional response. Knowing the difference in how you feel when you’re stressed and relaxed is really worthwhile acknowledging. Separate work and play. Try taking time out of every day to calm down and relax. Could be relaxing at breakfast before the day starts, on your lunch break, on a drive home or when you’re lying in bed at night. Sounds pointless, maybe boring, but it really isn't. Lie down, sit down, stick on a film, close your eyes and just stop everything (not breathing - counterproductive). I’m a very anxious person and a total stress hoarder and taking time out to actively slow myself down and recognise when I’m relaxed feels great.

I thought I’d mention a few, great techniques that were recommended to me that calm me down. First one, 7-11 breathing. Obvious, yes, I know, but it actually works. If you feel tense, breathe in slowly through your nose for 7 seconds, hold the breath briefly, and then exhale through your mouth for 11 seconds. If you repeat this 5/6 times, or as many times as you need to, you’ll notice that your body slows down because the sympathetic nervous system is stimulated. A bonus to this is you can do it basically anywhere. Another technique is progressive muscular relaxation. This one is odd but fun. It works on the premise that tensing various parts of the body can help you separate and enjoy the feeling of relaxation from that of stress. Sometimes when I’m stressed or nervous I can get an irregular, uncomfortable heartbeat, stiff muscles and my throat can tighten up. Tensing and releasing areas of your body can draw tension away from the problem areas and will, again, slow you down. Give them a go.

I’m not a doctor but I know stress is bad. I also know that relaxation is good. Seeing others stressed makes me stressed so how about you all do me a favour and just relax. ✩

Play More Games

I haven’t spent the past week working or sweating it out at the gym developing muscle in my flabby places. I also haven’t just been sitting, pending, in the same hunched, robotic position at my laptop, fingers over the keys, for five days either. I've been doing something awesome whilst I’m waiting around for the start date of my new job. I've been playing games.

Wait, what’s that? You think that playing games is childish? You think that I’m a bit of a loser? Oh no, unfortunately we've run some tests and the results have come back positive for not giving any shits. Even more unfortunately, I have just rolled a critical hit and you are metaphorically dead. Since the days of being a small human being, I've enjoyed playing games, and I mean right back to the SNES and Nintendo 64. Video games and board games. I honestly think it can develop a person’s mental capabilities because a lot of games require good judgement and skillful tactics. Not only that but it’s so fucking fun. It’s an excellent way to take yourself out of a boring day and a ridiculously satisfying hobby. I’m lucky enough to be friends with a group of the most delicious, free spirited people who love to play and make it unbelievably fun. We get together and it’s like a big, fun orgasm (with some dragons and a few dungeons).

On a solo note, I've begun Dragon Age Origins on PC and am playing as a rogue elf named Sari. I based her look on the ancient Greeks and as a result she’s wearing a questionable bright gold eye shadow. If you haven’t given Dragon Age a go, do. It’s awesome. The character you chose and story line you play through are customisable and I absolutely love that. When it comes to making decisions in the game, I always base Sari’s judgement on my own. Does anybody else do that? I wouldn't kill a man who is overselling food to some poor villagers so Sari wouldn't too. I bet she absolutely fucking hates me.

It's not just console games. My best friend Jordan is the king of table-top gaming and has introduced me to some incredible board games. I feel as though he is a renowned Jedi Master and I am his Padawan. My thanks go out to him, though there is no certainty that it will reach him as he's in constant battle with the Galactic Empire.

Table-top games often allow you to role play a character or group of characters, usually resulting in one player becoming victorious by possessing the most treasure, money, power etc, though in some you may have to play in co-op to win. If you’re not fond of the role-playing part, then a raw competitive nature also plays to advantage (cough cough). Game of Thrones The Board Game, Smash Up, 7 Wonders, Small World, Forbidden Desert and Munchkin are all games I play and love and I urge you to do a little research and give some a go, especially Munchkin as it’s easy to pick up and you get to play as tiny, customisable munchkin people that kill stuff (this video by Geek & Sundry might help you along the way). 

If you've got a sparkling imagination that might feed on epic stories with characters, wars, monsters and dungeons, then try playing a table-top board game. It's a really enjoyable past time and I think you'll have fun (If you don't, leave a comment and you will be given a full refund for the time you spent reading this post). Also it is International TableTop Day on April 5th 2014, so get yourself involved now so you can have fun with tonnes of other awesome people.

Do or do not, there is no try. I love you all. PLAY MORE GAMES.