Nightmares

I never have nightmares, I only ever dream of good things and I've rarely done that since a year or so ago. A few recurring dreams I had when I was small were of laser tag in underground tunnels that were built under fields and of being able to levitate on the upstairs landing of my house. Weird, just like me. I've had a bit of trouble with anxiety this year and this, twinned with trying to find an enjoyable job upon graduating has resulting in me standing on mountains of stress and worry (no sympathy, it's sadly self-inflicted). I'm slowly climbing down as I finally have a job I enjoy and am coping a bit better with the evils in life.

This past week I've had 3 terrifying nightmares, and this, for me, is very unusual. In the first, I woke within the dream. I stirred in my bed and felt someone watching me. My covers were then thrust over my mouth and a hand went over my throat, so I couldn't breathe. It felt SO real and I remember screaming through the duvet for help. Now this was so terrifying because I could feel the skin of the hands grasping my neck and my nose being smothered, allowing no air in. The second dream was reminiscent of Noah's Ark. The Earth had flooded and it was in an apocalyptic state. The world was gradually drowning under this mass of water and houses were filling up so that people had to flee their homes. I remember searching for a helicopter or a boat to save myself and wondering where I would live once the flood had wiped out the human population. Whilst searching for my family I looked up in the landscape and was face to face with a ridiculously tall tsunami wave of water and that was pretty much it for me and I woke me up. Yesterday's nightmare was absolutely awful and yet I can't remember a thing, which I'm not too upset about (all hail Buddha). I probably had snippets of memory in the morning but by first break at work it had gone.

The only positive of the nightmares was the HUGE, warming relief I felt after I woke up. This especially from the strangling nightmare which made waking up seem blissful. I don’t know if I believe in the meaning of dreams but mine seem appropriate. I've smooshed the verdicts of a lot of different sources into some meaning. Choking and strangulation allegedly mean suppression of emotions you don't want to confront, or having someone keep you from expressing your true self. Tsunamis and flooding reflect being easily overwhelmed by unresolved feelings and an experience of sadness and emotional stress in life.

To all those who make the magical decision to read my blog when I post something new, don't bottle up any feeling before you sleep. I think that's what I'm doing because of these frequent nightmares. Deal with the unorganised, annoying scraps in your head before you rise into a new day because you have, have, have to look after yourself and relieving stress is self-medication. If I can try then so can you. No one wants to wake up every day with a list of exaggerated reasons to hate their life. Enjoy it as best you can cus a meteor/asteroid/earthquake/alien invasion/zombie outbreak could happen at any time.

Nostalgia

I was born on May 15^th 1992 in Northampton General Hospital, but I’m told by my mum that I nearly came out in the taxi. She said it was a far nicer birth than that of my older sister Lucy (surprise surprise). It seems I rolled out like a little ninja, eager to explore the world and traumatise my loving parents. I love looking at baby photos, any baby, any photo, so I thought it’d be fun to show you all how I looked when I was a lot smaller than I am now. I’d also like to think that this is a sort of 90’s look book for budding fashion students and lovers of trends. So join me, and we’ll fly back in time in my time machine, back to the early 90's, where mullets and neon prints were acceptable things.

To start you off, here's me pouting whilst being held by my nan. Sporting a simple mint onesie and a tousled, back combed hairstyle. I love the difference in the sizes of our hands.

My absolutely beautiful mum giving me a hug which seems to have startled me a bit. I love my mums sparkling eyes and my pig face.

Me looking newborn with my nan Esme. I'm eating my clothes and she's looking radiant.

Me eating my dinner paying my respects to urban culture (proof that I've always posessed swag). Neon jumper and leggings combo with mustard collar and sleeves, a really classic outfit.

Looking like a boy, a mini Wayne Rooney? With my nan and dad. Sporting the neon mustard jumper again, must have been a favourite.

I've always been greedy so this picture made me laugh - it's so true to form for me to be eating crisps and sitting down (wouldn't want to overdo it). I'm donning a red, checkered flat cap and rainbow shorts. Someone contact Britain's Next Top Model.

Mother and daughter. A reminder that creating your own trends can actually work out - I pioneered the straw hat movement in the 90's.

I LOVE this photograph. Some great fashion from both me and mum. She's rocking a mushroom cut and I'm bringing out the side fringe. I do like my pink outfit here.

I think we'd been playing or fighting or i'd been crying because I look like a gnome who has been sprayed with water. My hand clutching Lucy's knee and her hand around me makes me smile so much, we've always been best friends.

My hobo, reggae phase. Sexy, pink top and neon joggers. My hat here brings me so much joy, it looks homemade with pom poms.

Me and Lucy playing at the park. She's apparently going commando and is wearing an awesome Thunderbirds t-shirt, with white sandals and sun-hat. I'm doing something floral which is much more like Lucy nowadays.

THE BEST PHOTO OF LUCY I HAVE EVER SEEN. Her t-shirt says 'Sun, sea' and i'm guessing 'sand'. She has gone for a Minnie Mouse hat and red love heart sunglasses. I could eat her.

Sisters starting a career in construction and building management. Lucy taking control of the situation as per usual. 

Oneof my nude modelling photos with two Mr Blobby props. I love how cheeky I am here with my tongue out, maybe i've been caught pooping in the bath, I am told I did that quite often. 

In my pink sports shorts. Don't bother taking a clutch bag when you go out, a packet of Wotsits works much better.

I LOVE this one. A really disgusting pastel, floral two piece with rosy cheeks. 

Me kicking up a fuss and crying, nothing has changed. Love mums GREEN jeans (lord).

 We were both crying because we were being chased by geese. Again, this makes me smile, look at Lucy cradling my head. She's doing her protective sister role in a lovely, little, blue jumper. 

Last but not least, here's something happy, me having a laugh with my mum. She always tickled me when I was small, under my arms! Block fringe era.

I would apologise that this has been photo heavy but I am not going to because I think they are lovely photos and they make me happy and give me magical nostalgia. I was blessed to enter  the world to a loving big sister and two wonderful parents. From a blonde-haired, blue-eyed child to a brown-haired, green-eyed 'woman', nearly 22 years later and I still love crisps and cry all the time.

Happy bank holiday everyone, I love you so much for being here. To those who have personally reached out to me about my blog over the last week, I love you even more.

"You're The Happiest Person I've Ever Met"

I have always found it difficult to know what happiness means. Does it mean a period of uninterrupted joy surrounded by rainbows and cake? Or is it more of an acceptance of circumstance? Is it something subtle that you only realise on reflection or is a mad bliss where everything goes as you want it to? I write because I do not know the trick to it. I think trying to be happy all the time often leaves people in a state of dissatisfaction because of how hard it is to pinpoint its whereabouts every single day. Is it possible to live in a stable state of happiness? I don't mean to sound like a dramatic twat with this topic. If i'm honest, I just find it really, really interesting. You get these people that are deeply religious or spiritual who believe that happiness can be achieved long term and that minds can be moulded to achieve it. What do you think?

Since starting school I've always been labelled a happy person and it hasn't really changed since. I remember someone in my class telling me I was the happiest person they've ever met and although that's clearly a lovely thing to hear (and harshly untrue - i'm a right bitch), it made me question other people's perceptions of happiness. I talk and I'm confident in public as a reaction to stressful situations, it's my coping mechanism which has built itself into my character. I smile and laugh because things definitely do bring me joy and because that's what I look for in other people. I find it so interesting that someone thought that I was 100% happy in my life because of my body language. This is why I think that there’s synthetic happiness and natural happiness. Synthetic happiness is when I cheer myself up by watching a video about an octopus climbing over a rock on YouTube (watch below for a minute of pure joy), when I eat pizza and when I passed my driving test. These things are awesome. Synthetic things are like health packs in a zombie apocalypse that temporarily boost your well being and state of mind. They are good things!

Natural happiness is the difficult thing I think people are always trying to find. The cure in the zombie apocalypse. That stable state of mind that's impenetrable by the one ring and the dark side of the force. We know other emotions like anger, sadness, pleasure and jealousy so well, but not this. I think the curse of being the most advanced species is that we won't ever TRULY understand natural happiness, but we will always be trying to. This is why I think true happiness is a state of mind AND is complemented by but completely separate to synthetic things like Ipods and nice hair. Cleopatra, the beautiful Queen of Egypt, endowed with power, induced a snake to bite and kill her. Kurt Cobain took a shotgun to his head and ended a successful career as a rock singer. René Favaloro, a heart surgeon who pioneered the process for bypass surgery shot himself in the heart. These are people who had HUGE synthetic happiness in their lives, yet ended them. You get the idea. 

There isn't a switch that makes humans happy all the time and there will always be pain and you know what, that is absolutely fine! Be cool with it. Make peace with the fact that so many people don't understand how to be 100% happy all the time too.The irony of this blog post is that I feel incredibly happy today and that's the only reason I wrote this. I also will apologise for writing the word happiness so much. I actually wrote it 12 times which is so excessive and don't worry, i've annoyed myself too.

I love you for reading this post and I hope you live your lives with happy minds surrounded by happy things. 

My Favourite Disney Characters

Hello and welcome to me enjoying Easter half term. Two and a half weeks off of work means I can become a human again who enjoys doing things. So yes, hello. First of all, if you’re reading this and you’re in a bad mood please leave and never come back and keep going until you meet someone Australian. This is no place for you. I hereby present you with a very happy topic. I have a growing, chronological collection of 42 Disney films, encompassing both Disney originals and Disney Pixar (from the pioneering Snow White, to the beautiful Frozen). Growing up, we used videos, not DVDs and I think that’s why I love Disney so much, because it’s rooted very deeply in my childhood. I struggle to watch Cinderella and The Lion King because of the nostalgia; Walt just clicks his fingers and I’m drowning in my own tears (slight exaggeration). A while back I decided that I would start collecting Disney films as a present to any future children I am blessed with, so that one day I can offer their minds small, mini bombs of Walt Disney wonder. I can imagine small feet, running to find a Disney to suit the mood of the day (how adorable). If my future children dislike Disney, well, I’ll just trade them in for some new ones. I like being happy and the stories, characters and themes in Disney films, make me very, very happy. It’s like escaping into a restricted, positive zone where imagination rules over the land and Walt’s sitting on the throne. I thought it’d be fun to share a selection of my favourite Disney characters with you, so, here goes.

1. Anna (Frozen)

She is SO likeable. A Disney princess that isn't just physically flawless with empty insides. I don't know what I like more, how awkward and lovable she is, or how selfless and fearless she is when looking out for her family. I find her situation very relatable. I am the younger of two sisters and so is Anna and my sister felt it appropriate to remind me that I too used to annoy her when I wanted to play (I have yet to discover if my sister can manipulate an element). Many Disney women are unrelatable because their behaviour is unrealistic. That or they make you want to be them which just turns most into a jealous mess. I just want Anna as my best friend.

2. Ursula (The Little Mermaid)

I know she's evil but she loves herself and you can't help but love that about her. She's equally repulsive and vivacious. The way she relentlessly claims to want to help other sea folk for nothing, when really she just wants absolutely everything to herself, is weirdly enjoyable because she knows she's lying. She doesn't give a single fuck about anything and slithers around throwing sass in a revealing little black dress despite being worryingly obese and I admire that confidence. Let's just say I'd love to sit with her over a coffee, embracing curves and sharing hate.

3. Jiminy Cricket (Pinocchio)

He is so sweet. I basically love him because of the extent of his loyalty. He's level headed and will do absolutely anything for Pinocchio, showing a braveness that doesn't falter, even in life threatening situations. If you take it down to basics, he is literally just a tiny cricket with clothes but the effort he puts in and the size of his heart are very big indeed.

4. Aladdin (Aladdin)

If I lived in Agrabah, I'd probably be pining over Aladdin. Let's be honest, he's exquisite. He is an orphan who grew up with nothing, so as a result appreciates the value of everything, helping out others in even more dreadful conditions that himself and I find that very attractive. The best thing about Aladdin is how fun and charming he is. Yes he makes awkward mistakes and yes can be an occasional dick when he compulsively lies to women, but he would take you on THE best dates.

5. Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty)

She turns into a fucking dragon. There is nothing more to say here.

(Me in Disneyland Paris on my 21st birthday with one of my best friends) 

Interaction

First off, I apologise for the lack of blogs. Although you might not give a shit, I happen to give a certain amount of them and I've always intended this to be something that isn't a phase. I've been working full time and this means I have limited finger to keyboard opportunities. It also means I haven’t spent any time with Sari (my Dragon Age character). She's probably being mauled by dark spawn as we speak, which is obviously a lie, because nothing happens to characters in a game when the game isn't being played...right...RIGHT?! I am super loving my new job so I feel I can claim some victory points. It is so much fun. Best job I've ever had hands down.

Since starting, people have been so unbelievably nice to me. Hellos in the corridors, always having someone to talk to at lunch, manners and thank yous. I have my own locker, I know nearly everyone by name and I actually feel comfortable in the staff room (staff rooms are usually evil, awkward places where demons swarm). Those little things that have boosted me up and it’s shocked me to an extent because this has never happened to me in any other job. I think that having supportive, friendly people to associate with is an important component in how successful a person is in a job. I've always treated other people with respect and love because that’s how I was raised, how I intend to raise my own children one day and how I think everyone should behave. It isn't hard, and oh yes, it’s free. Kindness to others doesn't cost a single penny (which is fabulous for me because I barely even have that at the moment). All you need to do is gently extract your head from inside your rectum and take an interest in the people around you. Be sociable. Humans aren't solitary creatures by nature, so make sure you interact with people because it’ll relieve loneliness and boredom and it’ll make others feel good too. Just to clear any confusion, by interact, I don’t mean having a lovely conversation with a colleague during a break and then accidentally opening their toilet cubicle door while they are on the toilet because the lock wasn't working. That isn't good interaction (practice what you preach Sarah).

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Relax

I have a question. Are you relaxed? I mean, in your life, do you feel relaxed and free from stress? I am going to go on a hunch and assume that the answer is no. When you live and grow older, the responsibilities you have only really expand. That’s how it’s been for me anyway. The only stress my younger self had to deal with was deciding what I wanted from the ice cream van and now all of a sudden I have to find a bullshit career path and know exactly what I want to do with my life. Thank you very much universe maker but I gratefully decline. I think if life had a difficulty mode, it’d be automatically set to expert and to change it you’d have to fight a hundred bosses, defeat a hundred hordes of zombies and rescue a hundred princesses. That said, I think that making mistakes and encountering obstacles is normal and healthy. Stress comes in many guises. Work, education, family, relationships, children, self-image, health, housework, money, the past, the present and the future. You’re probably able to pluck out a good few of those.

Now I think that the things that make us stressed can also make us happy. I think they can be controlled or changed to become less stressful. That sounds dumb and obvious but I often find myself really upset over things that I know I can control. Instead, I almost always choose to distract myself and go with ignorance. I’ll throw you back to this time last year, when I was stressing over getting my dissertation finished (I became an irritable, miserable Cave Troll). I knew that if I chipped away at it, day by day, i'd get it done but, contrary to my sound logic, I only did it when I wanted to, and was sitting at this same laptop on the night before due date feeling hateful, crying and i'm certain I nearly vomited. I remember feeling dreadful. I learnt my lesson and although I think it’s hard to be pro-active about conquering stress, it's worthwhile. 

Basically, on top of that, I think every Earth-dwelling creature should spend more time relaxing. You are allowed to do it, no matter how busy you are. Life treats humans like droids, like we have unlimited stamina and no emotional response. Knowing the difference in how you feel when you’re stressed and relaxed is really worthwhile acknowledging. Separate work and play. Try taking time out of every day to calm down and relax. Could be relaxing at breakfast before the day starts, on your lunch break, on a drive home or when you’re lying in bed at night. Sounds pointless, maybe boring, but it really isn't. Lie down, sit down, stick on a film, close your eyes and just stop everything (not breathing - counterproductive). I’m a very anxious person and a total stress hoarder and taking time out to actively slow myself down and recognise when I’m relaxed feels great.

I thought I’d mention a few, great techniques that were recommended to me that calm me down. First one, 7-11 breathing. Obvious, yes, I know, but it actually works. If you feel tense, breathe in slowly through your nose for 7 seconds, hold the breath briefly, and then exhale through your mouth for 11 seconds. If you repeat this 5/6 times, or as many times as you need to, you’ll notice that your body slows down because the sympathetic nervous system is stimulated. A bonus to this is you can do it basically anywhere. Another technique is progressive muscular relaxation. This one is odd but fun. It works on the premise that tensing various parts of the body can help you separate and enjoy the feeling of relaxation from that of stress. Sometimes when I’m stressed or nervous I can get an irregular, uncomfortable heartbeat, stiff muscles and my throat can tighten up. Tensing and releasing areas of your body can draw tension away from the problem areas and will, again, slow you down. Give them a go.

I’m not a doctor but I know stress is bad. I also know that relaxation is good. Seeing others stressed makes me stressed so how about you all do me a favour and just relax. ✩

Play More Games

I haven’t spent the past week working or sweating it out at the gym developing muscle in my flabby places. I also haven’t just been sitting, pending, in the same hunched, robotic position at my laptop, fingers over the keys, for five days either. I've been doing something awesome whilst I’m waiting around for the start date of my new job. I've been playing games.

Wait, what’s that? You think that playing games is childish? You think that I’m a bit of a loser? Oh no, unfortunately we've run some tests and the results have come back positive for not giving any shits. Even more unfortunately, I have just rolled a critical hit and you are metaphorically dead. Since the days of being a small human being, I've enjoyed playing games, and I mean right back to the SNES and Nintendo 64. Video games and board games. I honestly think it can develop a person’s mental capabilities because a lot of games require good judgement and skillful tactics. Not only that but it’s so fucking fun. It’s an excellent way to take yourself out of a boring day and a ridiculously satisfying hobby. I’m lucky enough to be friends with a group of the most delicious, free spirited people who love to play and make it unbelievably fun. We get together and it’s like a big, fun orgasm (with some dragons and a few dungeons).

On a solo note, I've begun Dragon Age Origins on PC and am playing as a rogue elf named Sari. I based her look on the ancient Greeks and as a result she’s wearing a questionable bright gold eye shadow. If you haven’t given Dragon Age a go, do. It’s awesome. The character you chose and story line you play through are customisable and I absolutely love that. When it comes to making decisions in the game, I always base Sari’s judgement on my own. Does anybody else do that? I wouldn't kill a man who is overselling food to some poor villagers so Sari wouldn't too. I bet she absolutely fucking hates me.

It's not just console games. My best friend Jordan is the king of table-top gaming and has introduced me to some incredible board games. I feel as though he is a renowned Jedi Master and I am his Padawan. My thanks go out to him, though there is no certainty that it will reach him as he's in constant battle with the Galactic Empire.

Table-top games often allow you to role play a character or group of characters, usually resulting in one player becoming victorious by possessing the most treasure, money, power etc, though in some you may have to play in co-op to win. If you’re not fond of the role-playing part, then a raw competitive nature also plays to advantage (cough cough). Game of Thrones The Board Game, Smash Up, 7 Wonders, Small World, Forbidden Desert and Munchkin are all games I play and love and I urge you to do a little research and give some a go, especially Munchkin as it’s easy to pick up and you get to play as tiny, customisable munchkin people that kill stuff (this video by Geek & Sundry might help you along the way). 

If you've got a sparkling imagination that might feed on epic stories with characters, wars, monsters and dungeons, then try playing a table-top board game. It's a really enjoyable past time and I think you'll have fun (If you don't, leave a comment and you will be given a full refund for the time you spent reading this post). Also it is International TableTop Day on April 5th 2014, so get yourself involved now so you can have fun with tonnes of other awesome people.

Do or do not, there is no try. I love you all. PLAY MORE GAMES.