Nightmares

I never have nightmares, I only ever dream of good things and I've rarely done that since a year or so ago. A few recurring dreams I had when I was small were of laser tag in underground tunnels that were built under fields and of being able to levitate on the upstairs landing of my house. Weird, just like me. I've had a bit of trouble with anxiety this year and this, twinned with trying to find an enjoyable job upon graduating has resulting in me standing on mountains of stress and worry (no sympathy, it's sadly self-inflicted). I'm slowly climbing down as I finally have a job I enjoy and am coping a bit better with the evils in life.

This past week I've had 3 terrifying nightmares, and this, for me, is very unusual. In the first, I woke within the dream. I stirred in my bed and felt someone watching me. My covers were then thrust over my mouth and a hand went over my throat, so I couldn't breathe. It felt SO real and I remember screaming through the duvet for help. Now this was so terrifying because I could feel the skin of the hands grasping my neck and my nose being smothered, allowing no air in. The second dream was reminiscent of Noah's Ark. The Earth had flooded and it was in an apocalyptic state. The world was gradually drowning under this mass of water and houses were filling up so that people had to flee their homes. I remember searching for a helicopter or a boat to save myself and wondering where I would live once the flood had wiped out the human population. Whilst searching for my family I looked up in the landscape and was face to face with a ridiculously tall tsunami wave of water and that was pretty much it for me and I woke me up. Yesterday's nightmare was absolutely awful and yet I can't remember a thing, which I'm not too upset about (all hail Buddha). I probably had snippets of memory in the morning but by first break at work it had gone.

The only positive of the nightmares was the HUGE, warming relief I felt after I woke up. This especially from the strangling nightmare which made waking up seem blissful. I don’t know if I believe in the meaning of dreams but mine seem appropriate. I've smooshed the verdicts of a lot of different sources into some meaning. Choking and strangulation allegedly mean suppression of emotions you don't want to confront, or having someone keep you from expressing your true self. Tsunamis and flooding reflect being easily overwhelmed by unresolved feelings and an experience of sadness and emotional stress in life.

To all those who make the magical decision to read my blog when I post something new, don't bottle up any feeling before you sleep. I think that's what I'm doing because of these frequent nightmares. Deal with the unorganised, annoying scraps in your head before you rise into a new day because you have, have, have to look after yourself and relieving stress is self-medication. If I can try then so can you. No one wants to wake up every day with a list of exaggerated reasons to hate their life. Enjoy it as best you can cus a meteor/asteroid/earthquake/alien invasion/zombie outbreak could happen at any time.

Nostalgia

I was born on May 15^th 1992 in Northampton General Hospital, but I’m told by my mum that I nearly came out in the taxi. She said it was a far nicer birth than that of my older sister Lucy (surprise surprise). It seems I rolled out like a little ninja, eager to explore the world and traumatise my loving parents. I love looking at baby photos, any baby, any photo, so I thought it’d be fun to show you all how I looked when I was a lot smaller than I am now. I’d also like to think that this is a sort of 90’s look book for budding fashion students and lovers of trends. So join me, and we’ll fly back in time in my time machine, back to the early 90's, where mullets and neon prints were acceptable things.

To start you off, here's me pouting whilst being held by my nan. Sporting a simple mint onesie and a tousled, back combed hairstyle. I love the difference in the sizes of our hands.

My absolutely beautiful mum giving me a hug which seems to have startled me a bit. I love my mums sparkling eyes and my pig face.

Me looking newborn with my nan Esme. I'm eating my clothes and she's looking radiant.

Me eating my dinner paying my respects to urban culture (proof that I've always posessed swag). Neon jumper and leggings combo with mustard collar and sleeves, a really classic outfit.

Looking like a boy, a mini Wayne Rooney? With my nan and dad. Sporting the neon mustard jumper again, must have been a favourite.

I've always been greedy so this picture made me laugh - it's so true to form for me to be eating crisps and sitting down (wouldn't want to overdo it). I'm donning a red, checkered flat cap and rainbow shorts. Someone contact Britain's Next Top Model.

Mother and daughter. A reminder that creating your own trends can actually work out - I pioneered the straw hat movement in the 90's.

I LOVE this photograph. Some great fashion from both me and mum. She's rocking a mushroom cut and I'm bringing out the side fringe. I do like my pink outfit here.

I think we'd been playing or fighting or i'd been crying because I look like a gnome who has been sprayed with water. My hand clutching Lucy's knee and her hand around me makes me smile so much, we've always been best friends.

My hobo, reggae phase. Sexy, pink top and neon joggers. My hat here brings me so much joy, it looks homemade with pom poms.

Me and Lucy playing at the park. She's apparently going commando and is wearing an awesome Thunderbirds t-shirt, with white sandals and sun-hat. I'm doing something floral which is much more like Lucy nowadays.

THE BEST PHOTO OF LUCY I HAVE EVER SEEN. Her t-shirt says 'Sun, sea' and i'm guessing 'sand'. She has gone for a Minnie Mouse hat and red love heart sunglasses. I could eat her.

Sisters starting a career in construction and building management. Lucy taking control of the situation as per usual. 

Oneof my nude modelling photos with two Mr Blobby props. I love how cheeky I am here with my tongue out, maybe i've been caught pooping in the bath, I am told I did that quite often. 

In my pink sports shorts. Don't bother taking a clutch bag when you go out, a packet of Wotsits works much better.

I LOVE this one. A really disgusting pastel, floral two piece with rosy cheeks. 

Me kicking up a fuss and crying, nothing has changed. Love mums GREEN jeans (lord).

 We were both crying because we were being chased by geese. Again, this makes me smile, look at Lucy cradling my head. She's doing her protective sister role in a lovely, little, blue jumper. 

Last but not least, here's something happy, me having a laugh with my mum. She always tickled me when I was small, under my arms! Block fringe era.

I would apologise that this has been photo heavy but I am not going to because I think they are lovely photos and they make me happy and give me magical nostalgia. I was blessed to enter  the world to a loving big sister and two wonderful parents. From a blonde-haired, blue-eyed child to a brown-haired, green-eyed 'woman', nearly 22 years later and I still love crisps and cry all the time.

Happy bank holiday everyone, I love you so much for being here. To those who have personally reached out to me about my blog over the last week, I love you even more.

"You're The Happiest Person I've Ever Met"

I have always found it difficult to know what happiness means. Does it mean a period of uninterrupted joy surrounded by rainbows and cake? Or is it more of an acceptance of circumstance? Is it something subtle that you only realise on reflection or is a mad bliss where everything goes as you want it to? I write because I do not know the trick to it. I think trying to be happy all the time often leaves people in a state of dissatisfaction because of how hard it is to pinpoint its whereabouts every single day. Is it possible to live in a stable state of happiness? I don't mean to sound like a dramatic twat with this topic. If i'm honest, I just find it really, really interesting. You get these people that are deeply religious or spiritual who believe that happiness can be achieved long term and that minds can be moulded to achieve it. What do you think?

Since starting school I've always been labelled a happy person and it hasn't really changed since. I remember someone in my class telling me I was the happiest person they've ever met and although that's clearly a lovely thing to hear (and harshly untrue - i'm a right bitch), it made me question other people's perceptions of happiness. I talk and I'm confident in public as a reaction to stressful situations, it's my coping mechanism which has built itself into my character. I smile and laugh because things definitely do bring me joy and because that's what I look for in other people. I find it so interesting that someone thought that I was 100% happy in my life because of my body language. This is why I think that there’s synthetic happiness and natural happiness. Synthetic happiness is when I cheer myself up by watching a video about an octopus climbing over a rock on YouTube (watch below for a minute of pure joy), when I eat pizza and when I passed my driving test. These things are awesome. Synthetic things are like health packs in a zombie apocalypse that temporarily boost your well being and state of mind. They are good things!

Natural happiness is the difficult thing I think people are always trying to find. The cure in the zombie apocalypse. That stable state of mind that's impenetrable by the one ring and the dark side of the force. We know other emotions like anger, sadness, pleasure and jealousy so well, but not this. I think the curse of being the most advanced species is that we won't ever TRULY understand natural happiness, but we will always be trying to. This is why I think true happiness is a state of mind AND is complemented by but completely separate to synthetic things like Ipods and nice hair. Cleopatra, the beautiful Queen of Egypt, endowed with power, induced a snake to bite and kill her. Kurt Cobain took a shotgun to his head and ended a successful career as a rock singer. René Favaloro, a heart surgeon who pioneered the process for bypass surgery shot himself in the heart. These are people who had HUGE synthetic happiness in their lives, yet ended them. You get the idea. 

There isn't a switch that makes humans happy all the time and there will always be pain and you know what, that is absolutely fine! Be cool with it. Make peace with the fact that so many people don't understand how to be 100% happy all the time too.The irony of this blog post is that I feel incredibly happy today and that's the only reason I wrote this. I also will apologise for writing the word happiness so much. I actually wrote it 12 times which is so excessive and don't worry, i've annoyed myself too.

I love you for reading this post and I hope you live your lives with happy minds surrounded by happy things. 

My Favourite Disney Characters

Hello and welcome to me enjoying Easter half term. Two and a half weeks off of work means I can become a human again who enjoys doing things. So yes, hello. First of all, if you’re reading this and you’re in a bad mood please leave and never come back and keep going until you meet someone Australian. This is no place for you. I hereby present you with a very happy topic. I have a growing, chronological collection of 42 Disney films, encompassing both Disney originals and Disney Pixar (from the pioneering Snow White, to the beautiful Frozen). Growing up, we used videos, not DVDs and I think that’s why I love Disney so much, because it’s rooted very deeply in my childhood. I struggle to watch Cinderella and The Lion King because of the nostalgia; Walt just clicks his fingers and I’m drowning in my own tears (slight exaggeration). A while back I decided that I would start collecting Disney films as a present to any future children I am blessed with, so that one day I can offer their minds small, mini bombs of Walt Disney wonder. I can imagine small feet, running to find a Disney to suit the mood of the day (how adorable). If my future children dislike Disney, well, I’ll just trade them in for some new ones. I like being happy and the stories, characters and themes in Disney films, make me very, very happy. It’s like escaping into a restricted, positive zone where imagination rules over the land and Walt’s sitting on the throne. I thought it’d be fun to share a selection of my favourite Disney characters with you, so, here goes.

1. Anna (Frozen)

She is SO likeable. A Disney princess that isn't just physically flawless with empty insides. I don't know what I like more, how awkward and lovable she is, or how selfless and fearless she is when looking out for her family. I find her situation very relatable. I am the younger of two sisters and so is Anna and my sister felt it appropriate to remind me that I too used to annoy her when I wanted to play (I have yet to discover if my sister can manipulate an element). Many Disney women are unrelatable because their behaviour is unrealistic. That or they make you want to be them which just turns most into a jealous mess. I just want Anna as my best friend.

2. Ursula (The Little Mermaid)

I know she's evil but she loves herself and you can't help but love that about her. She's equally repulsive and vivacious. The way she relentlessly claims to want to help other sea folk for nothing, when really she just wants absolutely everything to herself, is weirdly enjoyable because she knows she's lying. She doesn't give a single fuck about anything and slithers around throwing sass in a revealing little black dress despite being worryingly obese and I admire that confidence. Let's just say I'd love to sit with her over a coffee, embracing curves and sharing hate.

3. Jiminy Cricket (Pinocchio)

He is so sweet. I basically love him because of the extent of his loyalty. He's level headed and will do absolutely anything for Pinocchio, showing a braveness that doesn't falter, even in life threatening situations. If you take it down to basics, he is literally just a tiny cricket with clothes but the effort he puts in and the size of his heart are very big indeed.

4. Aladdin (Aladdin)

If I lived in Agrabah, I'd probably be pining over Aladdin. Let's be honest, he's exquisite. He is an orphan who grew up with nothing, so as a result appreciates the value of everything, helping out others in even more dreadful conditions that himself and I find that very attractive. The best thing about Aladdin is how fun and charming he is. Yes he makes awkward mistakes and yes can be an occasional dick when he compulsively lies to women, but he would take you on THE best dates.

5. Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty)

She turns into a fucking dragon. There is nothing more to say here.

(Me in Disneyland Paris on my 21st birthday with one of my best friends)